One night a robber broke into a farmers home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he started disconnecting the home entertainment center.

He replied, "Who said that?!"

Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Moses."

The robber said, "What kind of a name is Moses?! Who names a parrot that?!"

The parrot said, "The same person who named that Rottweiler behind you Jesus!"

 INSTALLING A HUSBAND:


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7 ....
Good Luck!
Tech Support

You know you're a redneck jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

e-mail from a freind.

Hey, check Your Mailbox

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, some cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, 10 discount coupons to KFC and an "Obama Hope & Change" bumper sticker.  The directions were in Spanish.  Hope you get yours soon.

ECONOMICS 101 continued: Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20?. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a h higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,”but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. – Professor of Economics.

 It's that time of Year again!!!!!

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

The east coast earthquake apparently was caused by an unknown fault line running under D.C. and through Virginia. It is now being called Obama's Fault, though Obama will say it's really Bush's Fault. Other theories are that it was the founding fathers rolling over in their graves or that what we all believed to be an earthquake was actually the effects of a 14.6 trillion dollar check bouncing in Washington

I purchased a burger at my favorite fast food chain for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: 1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of productionis 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ? 2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? 4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals, or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. 6. Teaching Math In 2010 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his marijuana growing business.

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims Straight forward country thinking

If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. You may be a Muslim

If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You may be a Muslim If you have more wives than teeth. You may be a Muslim

If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You may be a Muslim

If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. You may be a Muslim

If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You may be a Muslim

If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four. You may be a Muslim

If your cousin is president of the United States . You may be a Muslim

Cowboy in Heaven A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'

"Thanking Obama for killing Bin Laden is like going into McDonalds and thanking Ronald McDonald for the hamburger. It's the guy cooking the burger that should get the credit, not the clown." --

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." Benjamin Franklin

I love Texas Wisdom from the cab of a tractor.... So you're having a bad day are you? Well think about it….... On your very first day….. you were born naked, wet and hungry, and got slapped on the butt… Maybe today's not so bad after all!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Too bad neither one works.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Good judgment comes from bad experience... and most of that comes from bad judgement.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes……. That way, when you do criticise them, you're a long ways away….AND… you have their shoes…..which will make it hard for them to catch up to you!

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Count the number of Fs in the words below FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS... How many did you see? (SEE BELOW) WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. READ IT AGAIN ! Really, go back and try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down. The reasoning behind is further down. The brain cannot process 'OF'. _______________________________________________ From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher My five-year old students are learning to read. Brian: "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" Teacher: I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?" Brian: "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so under the picture!" African Elephant And so it does... Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? Now that's funny, I don't care who you are. Well maybe you are a red neck because….. Your six-year-old daughter is a card carrying member of the NRA. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. You go to your family reunion to pick up women. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language. You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt. People hear your car long before they see it. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. A Short Neurological Test 1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a closerelationship with Alzheimer. Congratulations! Eonvrye that can raed this rsaie your hnad. To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it Amazing how the mind works! Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q.. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: · If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . · If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. · If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China . · If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .. · If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea. · If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan. · If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are about the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. ) Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day ! No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help. Farmer wisdom at its finest! A Jack Daniels Fishing Story I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South. _____________ The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. Department of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one. Farmer: That would be me. Thanks Jon TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this. We ate cupcakes made with Lard, whitebread, real butter and bacon. We drank FLAV- OR- AID made with real white sugar. And, We weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing....that's why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.. No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. What can kids today do besides push buttons.. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ? Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob." "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor." Hank was a pig farmer and he loved his pigs. His neighbor Fred wondered about some of the strange things that Hank did. Hank had a beautiful apple orchard close to their property lines. One day Fred saw Hank hold one of his pigs up to an apple tree. He could tell that the pig was happy by the,” died and gone to hog heaven” look on his face. The other pigs were patiently standing in a line waiting for their turn to eat. It was more than Fred could handle. “Hank, what are you doing.” Well Fred you know how much I love my pigs and I don’t want them to have to eat bruised apples off the ground. “ Totally dismayed Fred took off his hat, scratched his head and said, but don’t that take a lot of time! Hank got a puzzled look on his face and said, “Well, what is time to a pig?” Two rednecks go on a hunting trip. They lease a farmers ground which includes hunting lodge, shotguns, deer rifles, archery gear, four wheeler. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go hunting, they don't see anything, not even a squirl. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men shoots a rabitt crossing the road. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one puny bunny cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't shoot us a moose!" Three farmers and three ranchers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three ranchers each buy tickets and watch as the three farmers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a rancher. "Watch and you'll see," answers a farmer. They all board the train. The ranchers take their respective seats but all three farmers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The ranchers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the ranchers decide to copy the farmers on the return trip. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the farmers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed rancher. "Watch and you'll see," answers a farmer. When they board the train, the three ranchers cram into a restroom and the three farmers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the farmers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the ranchers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." Thanks Jenny What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs with 50 male deer? $100,000 bucks (100 sows and bucks) Thanks Jennette _________________ A certain gentelman passing through a farming community stops for lunch at the community diner. Upon being seated and waited on, he asks the waitress what the lunch special is. She replies " cow tongue." Surprised and disgusted the gentelman comments, " how can anyboby eat something that comes out of a cows mouth? " Patiently waiting while the gentelman thought about what to eat for lunch, she asks him, " if you don't want our cow tongue special, what would you like? He ponders for a moment and says, " uhm, no, I think I'll have an egg." Amado...funny how people look at things. Title: 10 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG 1) No one expects you to take a bath every day. 2) If it itches, you can scratch it. 3) There's no such thing as bad food. 4) A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours. 5) If your hair grows in weird places, no one notices. 6) You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired. 7) You don't get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap. 8) You're always excited to see the same people. 9) Having big feet is considered an asset. 10) Puppy love can last. TJ, so thats why my Border Collie is always smiling! Only Rednecks need apply. Does the below seem normal? Taking a dip has nothing to do with water. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. You've ever made change in the offering plate. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. If YES read on…. if no… Go to the GQ web site as you ain’t gunna get the rest of this stuff. Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be." "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!" "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy. "I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply. "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!" Every Friday a group of farmers met for coffee and to discuss their various farm interest. Old Henry was a pessimist, and never saw any good in any situation. He always was a wet blanket, complaining about prices, insects, too much rain, not enough rain, skimpy crop, etc. One year, everything was perfect. They were all having a happy time rejoicing about a perfect growing season, a bountiful harvest and great prices. They turned to Old Henry and said "you had a great season too. Nothing went wrong! Old Henry sadly shook his head and said "Yeah, but a crop like that sure takes a lot out of the soil. Marilyn A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . Because Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the guards immediately. Before the Interior Secretary could respond and presumably straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that before any guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining. Rob A man died and left his cattle ranch to his three sons equally. When the oldest son wanted to name it after himself, the other two sons objected. They all agreed to call it "The Focus Ranch," because it is where the sun's rays meet (son's raise meat). Submitted by: Charles' Daughter Portland, Oregon A truck hauling chickens over-turned on the turnpike. Authorities suspect fowl play. My uncle recently retired from farming. He said it was a harrowing experience. Hank Hey, Do you know the difference between a farmer and a boeing 747? The 747 stops whining when it touches down in Honolulu. Chuck Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Bubba". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer... The mouse is referred to as a "critter". You might be a redneck if... Taking a dip has nothing to do with water. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. You take a fishing pole to Sea World. The hood and one door are a different color from the res